This camper van is absolutely SICK! This BEAST is ready to go, just load your stuff, set a direction whether it’s on a road, through office buildings, over houses, mowing down forests, toppling mountains, relocating beaches, or draining swamps, and GO!! This is the 3500 folks! Chevy had to count a whole lot of horses and screws to get to this number, which means it has THE BEST towing power of any of the Express Van Series. So if you want to tow along a boat, trailer, outhouse, your house, or heck why not a whole ‘nutha spare van this puppy can PULL!
Guys, when you drive into town with this RIG it is so incredibly bad ASS that women are instantly impregnated from just glancing your way. Men see it and are rendered sterile and hand over their “man cards”. All who witness are completely frozen like a deer in headlights and realize the fact that they will never know true joy again after this moment.
*FEATURES*:
*Front Grill* – Why a front grill? Well for one, everyone knows front grills help you dodge road bugs, critters, and tunnel through mountains. Also, we all know Zombiepocalypse is coming, front grills will be just as important and more useful than that cell phone you’re reading this on.
*Rhino Rims* – (I think? maybe? IDK sounded good) all I know is these aftermarket rims are bigger than stock rims, black, have a dope ass pattern, and have 8 lug nuts (on each wheel) handed down from Atlas himself. You’re welcome.
*BF Goodrich Tires* – I don’t know much about tires, but I know these are thick, wide and knobby. . . to roll over all those zombies with extra grip so you don’t slip n’ slide. These will get you out of a super soupy zombie pile up, roll over hills, valleys, houses, rivers, etc. especially if you have…
*Traction Tracks* – when you’re stuck in those tough spots (and I’m not talking about your awkward dinner with the in-laws when her dad asks you why you live in a van). Color = “Caution cone orange” to make them all that more bad-ass lookin. (Everyone knows the orange ones work better than the black tracks duh). These double as a great shower floor outside.
*Pop Top* – yes it has a pop-top that allows a full grown adult to stand without stooping. With the spaciousness of this monster you could throw a kegger in there with everyone standing upright, but talking uncomfortably close. It’s a “close talker’s” dream. This area can also be used to place another bed similar to the much weaker and inferior, but infamous VW vans. Don’t get stuck in one of those wimpy VWs during Zombiepocalypse. German parts are hard to import during a Zombiepocalypse, be smart.
*Tritan 330W Solar system* – Because in the Zombiepocalypse, there’s no more power grid. This system pumps out enough juice to keep your lights running and your electronic devices charging – phones, laptops, fans, coolers, led lights, mug warmers, flashlights, turbo jump starters, Kindles (let’s be real no one reads these days) – even when you’re parked and off hiking trails.
*LED light bar* – Because when you need to completely and totally blind anyone else on the road within a 2 mile range (possibly for life) and cause mass havoc, this is your best bet! This thing is BRIGHT (don’t be like me, I verified this the hard way and am still blind in one eye).
*Dometic CC 40 Fridge* – surprisingly good capacity, surprisingly cold. Holds lots of beers for fueling creative posts like this.
*Kitchen Sink with water pump* – don’t bother packing your kitchen sink, this van comes with a fancy one installed already, because everyone knows washing your dishes is the second most important van function next to the ability to stretch out and sleep somewhere. This bling is straight out of IKEA and has the Norse style points to prove it – clean lines, right angles, real wood, real metal. It even has an expandable section usable as a desk or extended counter space for those gourmet van meals fit for magazine covers that I KNOW you’ll be cookin!
*200ah Relion Lithium Battery* (monitor levels on the phone app) – runs the water pump, Dometic fridge, cargo area lighting, & charging electronic devices. Has never run out on me (unlike my last girlfriend), wish my cell phone battery was this good.
*Maxx Fan ceiling fan/vent* – reversible and auto settings for when your partner has crowd-clearing gas in the middle of the night. Also great for counteracting the van heating up on a sunny day, since it can run while you’re parked without draining the van party.
*Custom handcrafted Reflectex Window covers* – reverse these to turn the van into a really effective sauna.
Fresh brake pads and oil change!
Selling because I’m moving out of country, my loss is your massive life altering upgrade.
